


Sherlock... Poor Sherlock.

by yeahthisaccountisinactiveso



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: ???? - Freeform, Cutting, Death, Drug Use, Goodbye, John - Freeform, John Watson - Freeform, Oh why did i write this, Poor Sherlock, Post-Reichenbach, Self Harm, Sherlock - Freeform, Sherlock Holmes - Freeform, Sherlock Loves John and can't have him, Suicide, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, WHY?????, Wedding, Why Did I Write This?, damn it, damn it why did i write this, do try and not cry, holmes - Freeform, i dont know what else to tag, i hate myself for writing this, im so so so sorry, im so sorry, john married mary, oh well, read this if you like sad things, selfharm, sherlock gets upset, sherlock no, sherlock... poor sherlock., sorry - Freeform, this is sad, watson - Freeform, why did I write this, why did i write this??????????????????, whydidiwritethis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeahthisaccountisinactiveso/pseuds/yeahthisaccountisinactiveso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock realizes he loves John... But he can't have him. After John gets married, Sherlock does something he should not have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sherlock... Poor Sherlock.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, hi! I've posted this already on wattpad... So, if you see it on there it's not like I stole this. I wrote this and posted it on wattpad and now here... Yeah. Here's the story... warning of possible crying while reading this.

Sherlock's POV

I'm losing my mind. John... John is all I can think of lately. I don't know why... It just is like I cannot think of anything besides him. It's not very good... I find myself not able to work on cases because I wind up thinking of John and then stealing glances at him when he's not looking at me. I don't know what's happened, but it has to come to an end. Whenever he's around, I'm always happier. When he's not, I'm upset and in a mood. 

It's getting harder and harder to keep my emotionless mask, because when I see him my entire world just gets better and I can't help but smile when he's around. I don't understand what's happening... Is this what... Love feels like? No. It can't be. I do not love John Watson. He has a girlfriend, anyways. If I did love him, I couldn't have him. Their relationship seems to be getting serious. Her name is Mary. Mary Morstan.

They both seem to love each other... A lot. I don't love John Watson. That's just impossible. I will not allow it. If I loved him everything would go down hill and he'll leave me and I won't even have him as a friend anymore. He wouldn't go on cases with me anymore... He'd probably punch me in the face and give me a weird look and then leave me if he ever found out that I loved him... Which I don't. I don't. I DON'T. I can't.

He doesn't love me back, so I don't love him. End of story. John... Maybe I do love him. But just as a friend. Yeah. I love him as a friend. People say that kind of thing, right? I love you like a friend? Yeah. He's just my best friend and I love him very much... In a platonic way. Yes. That's it. Good. I do not love John Watson in a sexual way. He's just my friend... He's funny, sweet, kind, cute, handsome, gorgeous, awesome to be around, beautiful, strong but soft too, smart, definitely not as boring as the other idiots of the world, amazing, and I love him like a friend. That's what people think of friends, right?

Love them in a platonic way? Oh, how would I know? I have no experience with friends... Except John. Maybe a few other people from school, or something, but nothing as long term and all those kids were boring and stupid and picked their noses. John though... Well for one, he doesn't pick his nose. If he did I'd be able to deduce it. Also, he's not boring nor stupid. And not exactly a child... If I didn't think of John in a non-platonic way, why do I find myself thinking of his lips and how they'd feel on mine? Or what it'd be like to be able to just walk up to him and wrap my arms around him and kiss him on the cheek and call him mine? Be able to take him out for dinner and get him gifts whenever I feel like it? Surpising him with things and having him smile and then kiss me because he's happy? Or when he's in a bad mood I can just go hug him and let him cry it all out while I rub his back and tell him it's okay? I guess I don't just think of John as friend...

No. So much more than just a friend. I guess I do love him. Do I? Yeah. I think so. Yes. I know. Yes. I love John Hamish Watson. I love him in more than a platonic way. Except... He has a girlfriend. He's in a serious relationship with someone who isn't me. Great. I finally accept it that I love him, but now I'll never get to be his? I'll never be able to tell him how I feel. God, I love him so much. Now that I know this, it won't be easy to keep it as a secret...

John still lives in 221b Baker Street with me and I see him every day. I'll always be so close to him but I will never be able to just reach out and touch him. I won't be able to just kiss him whenever I want to. I can't buy him surprise gifts or hold him while he cries or feel his lips against mine or wrap my arms around him from behind and kiss his cheek and neck or be able to call him mine. If he decides to marry this Mary character, I'll have to go to the wedding and smile and go with it all and never tell him how I feel because I don't want to ruin it for him and who he loves. He'll think I'm insane. Damn it. I'll need to work on getting rid of this new 'love' I have for John. If I don't I'll never be able to live with it.

xxx

(Still Sherlock's POV) (Three months later after Sherlock had that thought)

 

John proposed to Mary. He actually... She said yes. I couldn't make myself stop loving John. It's been three months since I accepted that I loved him. I still love him and I never told him and now he's getting married. Well isn't this just, wonderful? Yup. Totally amazing. Well. Now I have, HAVE, to stop loving him. If I don't, I'll just... I don't know. They're getting married in two months. There's still a possibility... 

No. I couldn't tell John now that I love him. He wouldn't know what to do. And, if John ever loved me, and I told him I do, he very well might just break up with Mary for me. I can't let that happen. Or, I wouldn't be able to take being rejected if I told him. I would prefer to just not know. Yeah. Something Sherlock Holmes does not want to know. Crazy right? Well I don't. I never want to find out. I can't take much more... I need to escape.

Get away for a little while. I can't handle seeing John every day and having to pretend to smile at him and be happy for him and all that shit while he's packing so he can go move in with Mary. He'll be out of here by Friday. It's Tuesday. I'll still be seeing him every day... Almost. I'll see him at every case. Wait, no. He might decide to quit cases for Mary. No. No no no no. I can't live with seeing him and I can't live without him... 

What am I going to do? Damn it. I can't... I... I need something. Something to get my mind off of John! I can't take this. I could... No. Sherlock, no. What would John think if he found out? He would be furious. He would want to know why. I wouldn't be able to tell him why. I would say that I couldn't tell him and he'll just get mad at me. It's not an option... Well. He'll be out by Friday afternoon. I can do it that evening... Just a little. I won't get addicted again... I won't let anyone find out. It'll just be for a little bit just to get my mind off John. Yeah. No one will know. I just need to find it...

xxx

(Friday evening)

He's gone. He's completely moved out and with Mary now. I'm all alone, once again. It's so quiet and boring here without John. He won't be calling anytime soon... There's no cases. Mrs. Hudson is at her sister's house for the weekend. Now is the perfect time. I went to my room and retrieved the box from under my bed. I sat down on the edge of my bed and opened the box. Inside was a needle and some blades. 

I don't need the blades right now. Just the needle. I carefully pulled it out of the box, then set the box down on the bed beside me. Should I be doing this? No. I shouldn't. But I need to get away... I have to. Theres no other way for me to escape. I'm not doing a lot... Just a small amount. I won't do enough to where I black out... Just enough where the room sways and I can't think. Just enough to last at least half an hour.

Just some time to get away from thinking. Yeah. I lifted the needle and looked at it closely before strecting out my arm that wasn't currently holding the needle, and used my left hand - the one holding the needle - and stuck it into my right wrist. It doesn't hurt all that much. Just a little pinch. I pulled the needle out of my arm and placed it back into the box and put the box back under the bed. It started to work almost instantly. I became relaxed and everything seemed like it was swaying. I layed down on my bed and just stayed there, not thinking, moving, or doing anything at all. Just laying there.

xxx

(John and Mary's wedding)

John had asked me to be his best man a few weeks ago. I wanted to say no. How could I possibly be the best man at his wedding with someone else when I love him? I said yes. How could I say no to my best friend? I can't really tell him I love him... Right before his wedding, too. Well, today is his wedding. I made sure to use no drugs today as I didn't want to be caught. I've been using it quite frequently lately.

Not enough to make me pass out or something, just enough to relax and not think. Right now I'm standing by John, giving my 'best man speech'. It very well could be a give away that I love him, considering I said he's the best man I've ever met and he saved me and all. Well, it seems I did good because he gave me a hug... That might be the one and only time I'll ever get to hug him. Now I'm rambling about some thing about a murderer at the wedding. Great. John is going to be mad. Maybe. I hope he doesn't get too mad.

I guess he wasn't because he followed me (so did Mary...), and we solved it. Later that night, after I played my violin for them I left them an envelope and left the wedding. I went back home and as soon as I got inside I ran up to my room and got out my box. I needed to stop thinking. I'm so upset that John is now married. He's also going to be having a child. I deduced it. I really wish I didn't. I'll never have him... 

Never. Ever. Never. And I can't get over him, either. Isn't that just lovely? I pulled the needle and the blades out this time. I put the empty box back under the bed and grabbed the items and climbed into my bed on top of the duvet. I decided to use the blades first. So I wouldn't be so dizzy while using them. I forgot to take my coat and scarf off. That's how much I needed to get here to do this. I sighed and pulled off my scarf and flung it across the room, then moved around until I finally pulled off my coat and threw that near my scarf. I settled back down and grabbed a blade again.

I strecthed out my right arm, facing my wrist towards me. With my left hand shaking slightly, I brought the blade down to my wrist and slowly sliced my pale skin open with it. I watched as blood trickled down my arm and sighed with relief. It barely even hurt. I made a few more cuts on my wrist before I had to stop because my hand was shaking too much. There was blood all down my arm and on the bed.

I closed my eyes for a moment before putting the blade to the side (I'd clean it later), and grabbed my needle. This time I put the needle in my left wrist. This time I used slightly more than I had been. I wanted to not think for a little while longer than normal. I used just enough to give me an hour of being relaxed and not thinking and having the room sway.

I lay there on my bed not thinking or anything, with blood all down my right arm. After I started to come back from the not thinking and all the swaying I decided to get up and wash off my arms and blade. Before I did that I grabbed the box and put the needle back in. I grabbed the blade and went into the bathroom. I quickly washed all the blood from the blade then set it aside. I then washed all the blood from my wrist and arm.

I made sure there was no more blood before I pulled out some bandages and put them on my arm. I didn't want to risk the chance of anyone seeing the scars, right? If someone saw the bandages and asks what happened I can say I was on a case and tripped or something of the sorts. Once done, I grabbed the blade and went back to my room. I put it in the box next to the needle and then closed it and put it back under the bed. I let out a shaky breath and got under my duvet and went to sleep.

xxx

John's POV

Today was great. I got to be with the two people I loved the most; my new wife and my best friend. Mary Morstan and Sherlock Holmes. Except, towards the end of the wedding, Sherlock had deduced that Mary was pregnant... Great. We're having a child... I don't know whether to be excited or scared. I'll just be both. After Sherlock had said it, though, he seemed upset... I wonder why. He then played a lovely piece on the violin for us. After, he left the wedding without saying so much as a goodbye, but he did leave a letter. I wonder why he left so quickly and didn't even say goodbye. He seemed somewhat upset. But why would he be upset? I hope he's okay. He might have just gotten bored with all the sentiment and gone home. It's very likely. Oh well. I'll just call him in the morning to see if he's doing alright...

xxx

Sherlock's POV

I woke up the next morning to my phone ringing from my coat pocket that I had flung across the room. I groaned and got up to retrieve it. I really should have put it on silent. I picked up the coat and pulled my phone out of one of the pockets. I answered without looking at the caller ID. "Sherlock Holmes," I said, my voice somewhat muffly and iritated. "Hey, Sherlock." It was John. Why was he calling? Shouldn't he be with his new wife? "Oh. Hello John."

I said, as I walked over and sat on my bed. "Hey. I was just wondering how you were doing? You left early last night without saying goodbye... And I just wanted to make sure everything was alright." I sighed. Nothing was alright. Nothing would ever be alright again. "Uh, yeah John. Everything's fine. Why wouldn't it be?" I said, my voice failing me mid sentence, obviously showing that I wasn't fine.

I groaned and ran a hand over my face, irritated that my voice betrayed me. "Sherlock... Are you sure?" John asked me, not seeming to believe I was fine. "Yes, John. Now, shouldn't you be with your new wife?" I said sharply into the phone, instantly regretting it. Now he'll know something's up. "Wait, are you upset about Mary?" John asked slowly, obviously now sensing that I have something against Mary because of the way I said that. Great. 

This is just great. I am not telling him that I love him now. Especially not over the phone. "No. Why would I be? Now, I have, uh, an important... Experiment to be working on now. Goodbye, John." I said and hung up quickly. I threw my phone across the room and it landed on my coat, and I ignored it as it rung again. I sighed and ran both hands over my face. Now what? He's not going to leave me alone over this. Great... 

I bent below my bed and pulled out the box again. Normally I waited until night to do this, and I never did it again after only a few hours. This isn't good. I shouldn't do this, especially not now... It's too soon... Oh the hell with it. I need it right now. No more thinking. Relaxed. I don't want to think. I must do this, and now. I pulled out the needle and shut the box and put it on the bedside table. I used much more than last night.

Since my right wrist had a bandage on it, and under it was fresh cuts, I used my right hand to put the needle in my left wrist. I strectched out my left arm and faced my wrist towards me. I let out a breath as I closed my eyes, then opend them and stuck the needle in my wrist. I pulled it out after a second, and was shaking a little. I put it down by the box on the bedside table and layed down. After a few minutes everything went black.

xxx

John's POV

Well that was strange... And now he's not picking up. I really hope Sherlock's okay. Why would he be upset over Mary? Did he not... Want us to get married? But why would that be? It's not like he-... Could that be it? No... No. It couldn't. Could it? Could he possibly like me a little more than just a friend? It's possible... But wait. He would then become depressed because he knows I'm now 'gone'. 

Or maybe he thinks he lost me. Now that I'm moved in with Mary and she's pregnant. Maybe he thinks I'll quit going on cases with him or even being his friend so when the baby comes he's not around the child? That's more possible than him... Liking me. His voice was shaking a little on the other line. Maybe I should go check on him... Yeah. I think I'll do that. I got my coat, keys, wallet, and shoes.

I called out to Mary that I'd be out for a bit. As soon as I closed the door behind me I rushed over to side of the road and hailed a cab. I got in the cab and quickly told them to take me to 221b Baker Street. I tried texting Sherlock, but no answer. I told him I'm coming over. Once the cab stopped outside the door, I payed him and thanked him and knocked on the door of 221b.

Mrs. Hudson soon answered the door and smiled warmly at me when she saw me. "Hello, John dear." She said, letting me come in and then shutting the door behind her. "Hey, Mrs. Hudson... I just came by to uh, talk with Sherlock." I said, hoping she wouldn't try and talk to me about the wedding or something that would take forever. "Oh, of course dear. You can go right ahead up there. He's been quiet all night last night and this morning. He might've gotten some sleep for once." She said, as she gestured for me to go up the stairs. 

"Uh, yeah, maybe. Thanks, I'll talk to you later.." I said as I hurried up the stairs and into Sherlock's flat. He wasn't in the living room nor kitchen. I decided to check his bedroom. I went to his door and knocked, "Sherlock? It's John." I said. No answer came. I knocked again, "Sherlock?" I slowly opened the door to find Sherlock laying on his bed with his left arm on his chest and his right to the side of him. At first I thought he was just asleep until I noticed the box on his bedside table. Box? I walked over slowly and saw the needle sitting next to the box. No. No no no. Why would Sherlock do this?

I opened the box and saw the blades in there. Shit. No. Why Sherlock? Sherlock wasn't sleeping. He must've taken too much of the... The... That. I tried to shake him awake but there was no response. I checked to see if he was breathing; he was. Good. Then I saw the bandage on his arm... Did he? No... I picked up his right arm and slowly peeled the bandage off. There it was. The marks. They looked new. 

Oh god. Sherlock, why? Why why why? I quickly pulled out my phone and called an ambulance. I told them where I was and what had happened. They said they'd be here shortly. Well, they didn't lie. Withiin 5 minutes I heard sirens. Soon the people came in and found me and Sherlock in his room. I showed them the marks on his arm and the box. They quickly put Sherlock on a stretcher and carried him out of the room and down the stairs and into the ambulance. I followed.

A few hours later I was in the waiting room pacing, waiting to hear if Sherlock was alright. Eventually the doctor came over and talked to me. "Hello, John Watson?" He asked. "Yes, thats me." "Ah. Yes. You're here with Sherlock Holmes, yes?" "Yup." I said, popping the 'p'. "Well. I'm so sorry to inform you, but... It seems Mr. Holmes over dosed. A lot. And that he's been using for the past, few months. We aren't sure exactly but it's been a while. He also lost quite a bit of blood when he used the blade. It must've been last night. Anyways, he may not make it."

As he said this I felt my heart drop into my stomach. He might not make it? No... No. He's my best friend. He's died once. He can't leave me again. No. Please no. This better be some sort of trick again... Sherlock, why? Why did you go and use? Damn it! "Is there anything you can do?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. The doctor shook his head. "No. I'm sorry. Chances are he won't make it. The only way he would is if he had some sort of miracle." No. No. No no no. Sherlock, no. No! This can't be happening. I will not... No. Sherlock... I couldn't handle when you were dead the first time!

I definitely wouldn't be able to handle it now... "Is... Is he unconscious right now, still?" I asked, hoping desperately I could at least get a chance to talk to him before he... Goes. "Actually, no. He doesn't have very long, though. You can go visit him now, if you like. But don't startle him." He told me, then directed me to the room. As soon as I saw him my heart broke. "Sherlock?" I said, my voice hoarse. Sherlock looked up at me and smiled.

Smiled? "Hey, John." I gulped. His voice sounded so... So... Heartbreaking. I can't take this. I walked over by Sherlock and sat in the hospital chair and scooted up close by him and took his hand in mine. "Sherlock..." I said. I couldn't really say much else. "Why? Why I did this? Is that what you were going to ask? Well. Do you really want to know, John?" He sounded broken. He sounded so... So sad. I nodded my head slowly.

"John. First, am I going to die? Did the doctor tell you I will most likely not make it?" I gulped. I didn't want to say yes. I wish I could say no. No that you're fine and you're not dying. That everything will be okay... "Uh..." I sighed and hung my head, "Yes, Sherlock. He told me you weren't going to make it." Sherlock nodded slowly, and then his eyes fell on his and John's hands that were still together. "Okay. I could tell you, but you need to promise me you won't blame yourself for any of this. This was all me. It was all my fault. I was just being stupid."

What? Why would I blame mysel-... Oh. I nodded my head, "I promise." I had tears starting to form in my eyes. "It all started about five months ago... That evening after you moved out was when I first started... Using again." Wait. The day I left and moved out? "You see... Three months before that I made a decision. A decision I needed to get rid of but found I couldn't. I tried to make myself stop, and to just live with it, but I couldn't. Then you proposed to Mary and moved out. That's when I couldn't take it any longer. Do you want to know what that decision was, John? Do you? My decision was that I loved you. Yeah. Me, the sociopath with no feelings fell in love with his flatmate. At first I was fine with it and you having a girlfriend. I tried to make myself stop loving you but I found that I couldn't. Do you know how hard that is? When you proposed and moved out... I wanted to stop thinking for a while. I couldn't take it. So I used to get my mind off things."

I was crying now, and it seemed Sherlock was too. "Then after the wedding... It finally sunk in that I would never have you. So I left the wedding early and cut, then used slightly more than I had been previously. Then today you called. My voice failed me and you knew something was up. I wanted to stop thinking again. So I got out the needle and used... A lot. That's why I am in this hospital bed with the very high chance of dying. John Hamish Watson, I love you. I bloody love you. And I'm sorry." I was crying. Sherlock loves me? That's why he... Did this? 

Oh my god. No. Maybe if he had said something... I could've... I liked him a little bit too... Oh who am I kidding? I love him. "Sh-...Sherlock. I didn't know... That you... Sherlock I loved you too... But I thought you didn't feel the same so I got a girlfriend and married her... If I knew you loved me... Things could be different right now." Sherlock looked shocked. Then he smiled up at me. "Well... I'm glad to hear..." Sherlock closed his eyes and his hand dropped. No. No no no! I need Sherlock. This cannot be happening. No! The moniter started to beep. The doctor came in and told me to get out. It all happened so fast. After a few minutes the doctor came back out and frowned. "I'm so sorry... He's gone." No. No no no. This can't be happening. It must be some sort of nightmare. No! Sherlock, no... No! Why. Why why why! Damn it, Sherlock! No. No no no no no. Not again...

xxx

(A few months later)

Sherlock's really gone this time. I can't... Just. I told no one about what he said to me. I told no one that he said he loved me and that I said I loved him back. I couldn't. There was a funeral a little bit ago. I had to say something about him. I mentioned how great he was and that he was not a freak and he was brilliant and amazing and the best friend I ever made. God... It was all too quick.

Now every day I visit his grave, just like I had before when I first thought he was dead. I've cried... A lot. At least Mary helped comfort me a little. I really wish Sherlock could've just said something sooner! Damn it. Now he's gone. Every now and then I can hear him. Hear him babbling on about a case or explaining his experiments to me or playing his violin. His laugh. I hear him saying he loves me. I always think I see him. I see him in my dreams. On people. God, I miss him. I loved him so much and now he's gone... Again. I cannot handle this. But I will not do what he did. Anyways, I can't just leave Mary and the baby just like the way he left. I couldn't. I wish Sherlock had some sort of miracle and stayed alive... But no. I guess that can only happen once, right? He stayed alive once. This time he can't. I miss him so much.

 

xxx

(A few years later)

We named our daughter Bella. She's Bella Watson. She's 2 years old. I don't know how I've survived without Sherlock for so long and after visiting his grave every day. I will visit his grave every day. I will tell my daughter about how brilliant he... Was. I will always remember him. Always.

**Author's Note:**

> well, there you are. uh.. sorry if you cried. but it's not that well written... i started writing it at around 4am and finished at around 8:30am omfg xD so um, it might not be the best story ever.


End file.
